No Soul To Search in This Race 

No Soul To Search in This Race 
Posted by FoM on November 07, 2000 at 08:00:28 PT
By Scott Ostler
Source: San Francisco Chronicle 
Finally, I've made my choice for president. I've done a lot of soul-searching, and unfortunately I still can't find my soul. I know I had it last Friday when I was dancing in the kitchen to Motown oldies. I usually keep my soul next to my car keys, or in the cupboard with the soul food, but it's nowhere to be found. Anyway, I have decided to vote for Al Gore because I feel deep in my heart that he truly has the best lawn signs. 
I admit I was almost swayed by Bush's bumper stickers. So bright and sticky! But Gore's lawn signs are made of sturdy cardboard stock, the kind of sturdy stock that made our country sturdy and stocky. The aggressive, confident block lettering cries out, ``I am my own sign, dammit!'' As for Bush, too much is being made of his growing arrest record. So what if he's been arrested three or four times and then lied about it, and maybe lied about why he lied about it? All I would like to say to Gov. Bush is, ``Before we trot to the polling booth, sir, is there anything else we should know? I swear we won't tell your daughters.'' Bush says he didn't reveal the DUI because he didn't want his daughters to think it was OK for them to drive around drunk. So I'm hoping he didn't tell the girls what he did to the environment in Texas. I also hope this third arrest doesn't trigger some Three Strikes law in Texas. I don't want to see Gore win by default because Bush gets executed. LOOK, I don't care that Bush got popped for drunken driving, or that Dick Cheney got busted twice. If those two win, neither is going to be behind a wheel for four years. They'll have chauffeurs. Bush's chauffeur has already signed a secret book deal. He's going to tell the story of his relationship with Dubya in a book titled ``Driving Mr. Hazy.'' Clinton never got busted for drunken driving. That is at least partly due to the fact that when he lived in Arkansas, the state troopers were busy finding him chicks. Also, British researchers have just reported that pot smokers are safer drivers. Although marijuana smokers have slower reaction times, they are so paranoid that they drive verrry carefully. It's like the old Cheech & Chong routine where the hippie pothead gets pulled over on the freeway, and the cop says, ``Do you know how fast you were going?'' Guy says no. Cop says, ``Six.'' Speaking of grass roots, President Clinton breezed through town Friday and showed that he still brings out the spontaneity in folks. At the Clinton rally at the Moscone Convention Center, scores of people showed their love for the prez by waving homemade signs. The sincerity of their sentiment is hardly dulled by the fact that the signs were homemade by Clinton staffers. John Konstin was in the crowd and says that just before the rally, a side door opened and Clinton people passed out the signs, which were painted in different colors so they wouldn't look, you know, inauthentic. As for the ``We love Bill'' spontaneous chant, no word on whether the crowd got that from the ``Spontaneous Democratic Chants'' hymnals that were distributed. Bush nailed down 100 percent of the male vote. The L.A. Times reported that George W. did not buy his wife a gift for her birthday last Saturday, and she seemed to be OK with that. When reporters asked him what he got Laura for her 54th birthday, Bush shrugged sheepishly and gave his wife a peck on the cheek. And his lips did not freeze to her cheek! When word gets out that Dubya forgot his wife's birthday and got away with it, men are going to stampede the polls to vote for him. Wow, and we thought Clinton was a bold leader. Pooper Scoopers: That's what I call the candidates' advisers and apologists who clean up the messes left by Gore and Bush as their public utterances become increasingly zany and irresponsible. The vice president certainly didn't mean that Bush represents evil, although if the shoe fits. . . . Of course Gov. Bush knows that the Social Security Administration is a government agency, and he plans to fix that. It's a great talent, the ability to keep a straight face while saying, ``My man didn't say what he said.'' I worry that Gore, as his campaign builds to a climax, has lost faith in his own microphones. Every time I've heard him on radio or TV the last few days, Gore has been shouting, in an increasingly low and gravelly voice. With the bombastic boasts and threats, he's sounding like a professional wrestler. It is the Jesse Ventura-ization of politics. Gore is trying to win back the manly-man vote by saying, ``Sure I'll take away your guns, but you guys don't need no stinkin' guns. Look at you! Who's going to mess with that hombre? You could hunt b'ar with a switch.'' Gore wants to show that he is his own man. Just as in the TV debates, he showed that he is his own makeup man. Scott Ostler's column appears Monday through Friday. You can reach him at (415) 777-7031, fax him at (415) 896-1107 or send him an e-mail at: sostler sfchronicle.comSource: San Francisco Chronicle (CA)Author: Scott OstlerPublished: Tuesday, November 7, 2000 Copyright: 2000 San Francisco ChronicleContact: chronletters Website:
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