Winning War On Terror — One Roach Clip At A Time

Winning War On Terror — One Roach Clip At A Time
Posted by CN Staff on February 25, 2003 at 20:08:17 PT
By Lee R. Shelton IV
Source: Toogood Reports
Kudos To John Ashcroft And The DEA! On Monday, Feb. 24, the Attorney General of the United States announced that 55 people in several states had been charged with trafficking in illegal drug paraphernalia. Have faith, folks. With progress like this the war on terror will be over before you know it.For those of you who may not have had the privilege of attending a public school, a collection of drug paraphernalia may include things like miniature spoons and scales, "bongs," which are essentially large pipes for smoking marijuana, and "roach clips," used to hold a burning joint so that the smoker's fingers aren't singed.
These were among the items confiscated by federal officials in their latest raids, scoring, according to the Attorney General, "a great victory for the DEA." (No, Mr. Ashcroft, this is a great victory for freedom-loving Americans everywhere. Thank you!)Drugs = Terrorism  You've all seen the TV commercials connecting illegal drugs to terrorist activity. If you buy drugs, or even promote the use of controlled substances, you are supporting terrorism. Did you know that the profit earned from the sale of a five-ounce bag of marijuana is enough to send an al-Qaida youngster to terrorist school for an entire semester? We need to stop this madness, and, by cracking down (no pun intended) on illegal drug use by going after those who supply the tools of the trade, the Justice Department is helping us do just that.Think about it. Fewer traffickers of drug paraphernalia mean less drug paraphernalia. Less drug paraphernalia means a decrease in drug use. A decrease in drug use means a pay cut for terrorists. A pay cut for terrorists makes terrorism a less lucrative business, and that would make terrorism less appealing to impressionable Muslim children wanting to grow up to be rich and popular like Osama bin Laden. Champion Of Liberty And Justice For All When John Ashcroft was sworn in as Attorney General, many of us were worried that he might be a little too over-zealous. Not so. He has executed his duties flawlessly. Thanks to his support of the Patriot Act, the fear of being watched has quelled the suspicious activities of would-be terrorists. Because of his strong stance on the war on drugs, terrorists have had to look for alternative sources of income to fund their dastardly deeds. I would venture to say that Mr. Ashcroft has single-handedly made this country safer, and he deserves nothing less than our eternal gratitude.Far be it from me to tell someone of Mr. Ashcroft's intelligence what to do, but I would suggest going after anyone selling items that could somehow be used in connection with illegal drugs. Does he know that since the DEA's crackdown on drug paraphernalia, stores like Office Depot have reported a 75 percent increase in the sale of "paper clips"? Is he aware that there are shops selling clothing and accessories made from hemp? How can we be sure that our children aren't using their allowance money to legally buy hemp socks for the sole purpose of smoking them behind the football bleachers at school?And let's not forget the role the Internet has played in all of this. According to the Justice Department, sales of drug paraphernalia have increased dramatically due to the popularity of online shopping. Perhaps we should start requiring people to get a license before they connect to the Web. After all, we force drivers wanting to cruise our highways to obtain a license. Why not license people who wish to surf the information super highway? Keep Fighting The Fight You may be wondering what will become of the evil, roach clip-selling terrorist supporters recently taken into custody. As it stands now, anyone convicted of trafficking in drug paraphernalia can receive a maximum sentence of three years in prison, a $250,000 fine and forfeiture of property. But I wonder if even this is being too lenient. If the illegal drug trade supports terrorism, then it might be fitting to subject these people to a secret military tribunal and summary execution.As long as terrorists continue to concoct new methods of attacking innocent people, we will be at risk. A roach clip can be every bit the weapon of mass destruction as a dirty nuclear bomb or the carcass of an Ebola-infected monkey. We need to pool our resources and keep fighting to make this world a better place. Remember, it's for the children.ABOUT THE AUTHOR:Toogood Reports contributor and "Best of the Web" award-winning writer Lee Shelton is a freelance writer residing in Minneapolis, MN with wife, Dawn. He describes his politics as "Paleo-Conservatarian" — a conservative sociopolitical philosophy with libertarian leanings, tempering both with Biblical and constitutional principles, and advocating a return to the federalist ideals of our forefathers. Visit Lee's personal website -- Complete Title: John Ashcroft: Winning The War On Terror — One Roach Clip At A TimeSource: Toogood ReportsAuthor: Lee R. Shelton IV Published: Wednesday, February 26, 2003Copyright: 2003 Toogood ReportsContact: editor evervigilant.netWebsite: Articles:U.S. Hauls in Dealers of Bongs, Roach Clips Traffickers Out of Business Targets Purveyors Of Gear for Illicit Drugs
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Comment #9 posted by FoM on February 26, 2003 at 16:26:22 PT
Glad I made you laugh! 
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Comment #8 posted by Imprint on February 26, 2003 at 16:17:06 PT
Love it
Very clever! That pun wasn’t even on my radar screen. Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had all day. 
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Comment #7 posted by FoM on February 26, 2003 at 15:49:06 PT
Forbidden Fruit
Imprint they would soon name the apple as the one and only forbidden fruit. I couldn't resist!
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Comment #6 posted by Imprint on February 26, 2003 at 15:35:03 PT
Then fruit is left for pipes
This article bleeds with sarcasm; from the title to the very end. I actually watched some guy on Pot TV make a pipe out of an apple. What the heck would Ashcroft do about that? 
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Comment #5 posted by fearfull on February 26, 2003 at 10:32:45 PT
perhaps what we need to do
is to show Mr asscroft just how ingenious we can be. I would love to see the look on his face when hundreds of thousands of rolling papers, makeshift pipes and bongs find there way to his office in the mail. Sooner or later they have to realize that they can't stop us from getting high as long as that is what we wish to do. Take away everything and we'll eat it raw, and still get high. 
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Comment #4 posted by John Tyler on February 26, 2003 at 10:29:35 PT
sarcasm II
With text only it can be hard to tell, but in this case it is sarcasm.
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Comment #3 posted by FoM on February 26, 2003 at 10:26:21 PT
It was sarcasm. 
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Comment #2 posted by TecHnoCult on February 26, 2003 at 08:24:37 PT
Is this guy serious, or is he being sarcastic?
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Comment #1 posted by Imprint on February 26, 2003 at 01:27:13 PT
making pipes
His right, if we are going to be serious about this :) we need to get rid of alligator-clips, hemostats, plastic tubing, match books, coke cans, baggies and tobacco pipes to just name a few. The world really doesn’t need this stuff anyway, right? It has always amazed me just how ingenious pot smokers are. It seems like we can fashion a pipe out of just about anything. Anything can become a pipe; toilet paper roll, tin foil, plumbing parts, cans, bottles, duct tape (the list is endless). I once made a bong from PVC pipe, an antique telephone pole glass insulator, copper pipe and an old dipstick and dipstick tube. Any other wild pipes out there?
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